This last month was full of adventure and excitement. Not only did we have to battle the worst flu season to hit since the Black Plague, but we also celebrated the birthdays of two special, furry friends! That’s right, Dexter and Libby turned 5! Well, at least we think Libby is 5…she was adopted so we have no clue really. But we know Dexter is. So, we just call it close enough.

Anyway, here are my top 10’s, three months in.

10. The secret to getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight – Getting the flu, 3 times. Yes, if you have a baby in the winter months, you will get sick!

9. You know you’re a mom when you don’t care that you are covered, daily, in another human being’s bodily fluids. I’ve been projectile vomited on 6 times, pooped on 3 times, and pee’d on a dozen.

8. You know you’re a new mom when you can still count the number of times you’ve been puked, pooped and pee’d on.

7. You’d rather jab yourself in the eye with a fork than leave your 3 month old overnight for 3 days. (To be honest, I’d rather jab myself in the eye with a fork at the thought of flying to Minnesota in February…but think even more forceful jabbing when it comes to leaving my peanut behind. Wahhh!)

6. Breastfeeding is hard. Breastfeeding through the flu is harder.  Breastfeeding through the flu and traveling away from your baby for 3 days may be the hardest. (For reals, I almost threw up on my child at one point. Note to mothers, it is okay for your child to puke on you, but it is generally frowned upon if you puke on him. My supply is already dropping from being sick and dehydrated…combine that with 3 days away from the bambino, and we may need to get some formula ready. Sad face.)

5. Every time you move up a clothing size, you die a little inside. Bye-bye NB. Bye-bye 0-3. While I’m buying my son’s 6 month sized clothes online, I might as well order those damn extra-long twin bed sheets he’ll need for college.

4. You think maybe when you have kids, you won’t judge the parenting style of other mothers quite as much. Like, you expect you can observe a situation and think “aw, that poor mother, now I can relate.” Yeah – not so much. I am adding the following scenarios to the list of things I will never, ever allow my child(ren) to do:

  • Jump up and down in a restaurant booth.
  • Smack me in the face in the middle of a store.
  • Peer over the dividing wall in a restaurant…throughout the entire meal.
  • “Help” random people in a store to pick out clothes for their baby, putting the unwanted clothes directly into the strangers’ cart.
  • Tug at a 3-month old baby’s arm…violently…while the baby is being held by its mother. (Note: This eventually causes the mother to scream “GENTLE!!!” like a crazy person.)
  • Attempt to pick up a strangers baby from its stroller because they “want to have him.”

3. It is perfectly normal to feel like your house will never be clean again. Now that I am back to work and Charlie is in day care, any time I’m not working I want to spend solely with him. This leaves little time for other things, such as laundry, dusting, organizing, doing dishes and/or sweeping. If anyone walked into my house right now, I’d be utterly embarrassed. So, please don’t drop by – you’re not invited.

2. Of course, Dr. Dentist – of course I have 2 cavities. For the past 12 weeks, I’ve barely had time to shower, eat food or urinate. Are you really going to give me shit that I didn’t floss my teeth every day?

1. Some days, when I’m out with Charlie in public, I feel like people are looking at us and thinking “Wow, that child’s babysitter is doing a good job,” or “Hey, look, that child’s babysitter can’t make it stop crying.” Like, am I seriously old enough to be a mother? Because I still don’t feel like it. Will I ever?

Some of my favorites from our 3 month sesh:

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