Big C turned 4 months on the 8th, which just happened to be my favorite (okay, only) sister’s birthday! Happy big 3-0 to Aunt Elizabeth! (I’m sure she loves that I continue to rub it in that she’s 30, but it’s fine – I’ll be there next year and she can return the favor!)

In tradition of my monthly top 10’s, I thought I’d put a little spin on my list this month and review the top 10 ways becoming a mother has changed me. It has only been 4 months, yet I feel like it was a past life when I existed without Charlie. In fact, I’m not sure I really did exist before Charlie, if that makes any sense. Probably the moms get what I’m saying.

Anyway, here we go. Top 10.

10. I have become what I hate. I never thought it would happen, but it’s true. I am now a shopping cart leaver. It used to be my pet peeve. But, now I realize that not leaving an infant alone in a vehicle supersedes my desire to be courteous to other shoppers, walking 20 feet to the corral. Is there nothing worse than finding THE spot, only to discover an annoying hunk of metal standing in the way of the perfect pull-through? You’re welcome.

9. I am more vocal. Not that I wasn’t vocal before, but I think that I was much more passive. For example, the gentleman that knocked on my door 8 months ago for a petition got my signature and email address. He didn’t really have to work that hard, I have no idea what it was for, and I just gave it to him so he would go away. However, the guy that came looking for some-Republican-Party-thing-or-another last week didn’t walk away from my door unscathed. This interaction went a little something like:

Ding Dong (door bell).

“Hi.” – Me

“Woof, woof, woof, woof.” – Libby & Dexter

“Hi, I am blah blah blah Republican Party blah blah blah.” – Guy

“Woof, woof, woof, woof.” – Libby & Dexter

“Wahhh, Wahhh, Wahhh.” – Charlie

“Woof, woof, woof, woof.” – Libby & Dexter

“Yeah, I gotta go. This neighborhood has a no soliciting sign.” – Me

Slam (door).

8. I have an increased fear of death, and any story line on TV regarding the subject will make me bawl. Having lost a parent at a young age, this isn’t really a new feeling. Since I was little, death has always been a very real reality to me. My childhood experienced changed who I was… in a way that probably only another child that lost a parent can understand. No one so innocent should have to know death so well. It should remain mysterious and questionable, like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. It should be an experience reserved for adults with a more developed brain. Now that I have my own child, this concept has re-sprung to the forefront of my mind and I fear the reality that some day he will be without me. Or, even worse, some day I will be without him. It is an unbearable thought that is making #8 difficult to continue writing through the blurriness of my tears, so we’ll move on.

7. So you don’t think I’m crazy and depressed due to #8, I’ll follow by saying that while I fear death more I am also more okay with the concept. I take comfort in knowing that when my number is up, I’ll go knowing that I’ve left my best legacy, and the best part of me, behind – Charlie. While I wouldn’t want to leave him, I’ll also know that he knows how much his momma loves him because I intend to show him every, single day.

6. I am more patient. While I still have my moments, becoming a parent requires you to gain more patience. Crying baby at 3 am? I now pause for a few minutes…maybe he will stop on his own. Baby screaming his head off and won’t nurse? He’s not going to die while we wait for Tristan to warm up his bottle instead. Poopsplosion at Target? Oh well, at least I didn’t poop my pants. While I used to chastise Tristan for having no sense of urgency, I’ve come to realize myself that not everything is an emergency.

5. I’ve become more irrational. I’ll chalk this up to exhaustion and the fact that my life often feels in disarray. For example, Tristan did me a solid one night after visiting at his parents house and packed up all of Charlie’s “stuff” – including the diaper bag. I had a pair of sweatpants in there, for emergency use in case I got in the way of any projectile bodily fluids, or really just because I wanted to get more comfortable. Somehow during the pack, the sweatpants got left behind. Well, you would have thought that Tristan had left Charlie behind in a NYC taxi cab or something, considering the wrath that fell upon him when we got home. THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE SWEATPANTS. Apparently, this was the hill I wanted to die on. About 20 minutes later, I calmed down, apologized, and slipped into my comfy yoga pants instead. Poor Tristan.

4. I am more motivated to achieve my dreams. You might know, or assume – considering you are reading my blog, that I love to write. My goal has always been to write a book. I don’t care if anyone ever buys or reads it, if it’s good or if it sucks. I just want to write one. I don’t want to be the kind of parent that wishes she achieved her goals. I want to be able to say to Charlie, “Look what I did. You can achieve whatever it is you want to do too.” Cliche, I know. Sorry!

3. I care less what others think about me. The fact that I own 3 pairs of Spanx, one being maternity, should tell you that in my past life I cared a lot about what people thought of me…or at least, how I looked. But now, not so much. I rarely put on make up. I rarely dress up. And it’s not just because I work from home or I don’t have the time. While it’s important to look decent to feel good about yourself, I now view that little belly roll that falls over the top of my pants as the residual of the most amazing time in my life – the time that I grew a human life. My hips are wider and my thighs are still big, but those hips and thighs gave way for a 7lb miracle to shoot into this world. How silly does it seem now to be concerned with such superficial things now?

2. I am working on becoming more fiscally responsible. Now that our future financial health affects more than just Tristan and I, we are working diligently to stick to a budget and pay off our debts. Specifically, we are trying to remedy the worse-decision-ever of 100% financing our condo with an 80/20 loan. Yikes. To date, we’ve paid off my car in full (woo hoo!), and we are making double payments on our second mortgage.

1. I could only think of 9, so I consulted the Mister for the tenth. Tristan said, “Your priorities are more outward than inward.” I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult. Is he saying I was selfish before? Well, I think what he meant was that I think of others first, when I may not have in the past. Like, how important it is for our parents to spend time with the baby. Or, how the shopping or cleaning can wait, I take advantage of spending quality time with my son.

So there it is. 4 months have come and gone. It is going by way too fast…but at the same time, I’m still so excited for what the future holds.

   
4 Months Old!

 

First time with rice cereal! How cute is this face??

One Thought on “10 Things…Month 4

  1. Pingback: Sh** End of the Light Saber – A new Dad’s journey. « Turn This Car Around

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