In case you missed the memo, I became a stay at home mom yesterday at around 2 p.m. EST. Without getting into anything that may have legal ramifications, I quit my job and they “asked me to leave” on the spot. Although, the process works a little differently when you work from home – instead of an escort out of the building, I just got a boot from accessing the company’s server.
I went to sleep last night feeling like the day was a haze. Did it really even happen? I suppose it did, because I don’t hear my e-mail dinging every 3 minutes with some new crisis. I had been unhappy for a while, so mostly it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. Partially, it felt like shit.
I woke up to a new day. Charlie and I had fallen asleep while I nursed him around 3 a.m. So, he was cuddled into the underside of my arm. He had wiggled around backwards by 7:30, and I awoke to his sweet little suckling on the inner side of my elbow. His little face and his “good morning, Mama” smile melted my heart.
This is what is important in life now.
Charlie was a good boy for me today. Barely any fussing, no poopsplosions and I didn’t even get pee’d on. I’d say day 1 as a Stay at Home Mom was successful based on that track record alone.
But, I was also able to do a load of dishes, 2 loads of laundry, and make a sandwich for Tristan when he came home for lunch. (Side note: He brought me flowers. How sweet is he?)
I really enjoyed being home with Charlie – it was like maternity leave all over again. I nursed him instead of feeling the insane pressure to pump his usual 16 ounces of breastmilk for daycare. We watched Dinosaur Train and he giggled and squealed. He is at the age where he shrieks in excitement if you do flying baby and he smiles huge if you dip his head upside down, so rest assured there was plenty of that. He didn’t take the best naps, but I’m pretty sure he had a full-out conversation with the vacuum. Hilarious.
Through my bouts of sadness today, these moments helped me to remember – this is what is important in life now.
Based on my history of posts about being a working mother, you might wonder why I was sad at all on this, day 1 as a Stay at Home Mom. But, even though I left on my own terms, they were not the terms I had originally wanted to go out on. I have spent the last 3+ years in this position building my career, building my name, building my knowledge and value. I genuinely thought what I was doing made a difference, if to no one other than myself. Now I’m left feeling a little empty – like I was as disposable as the shitty diaper I changed this morning.
So, here I sit, after taking the first big step to change my life – our lives. Tristan is happy that I’ve gotten out of a miserable situation; Charlie is happy because he is 5 months old and oblivious to the stress of the working world that awaits him. I am at a crossroads – do I stay on the same career path? Do I go back to school? Do I actually try my hand at becoming a “professional” writer? They say there is no time like the present, I guess.
I think maybe I just need some time to reflect and mourn the death of what was a huge part of my life – at least, for 40-50 hours of my week. And to remind myself, this is all that is important in life now: