Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails and Snakes.

The other day, I was doing some cleaning around the house when my husband yelled to me from the front yard.

“Hey, Michelle…” he said.

Tristan doesn’t usually use my first name. I’m not really sure why that is, maybe because more often we use traditional nicknames like “babe” or “hun” or “you.” Or, maybe because we lived together for so long as just two of us that it’s quite obvious that one when person speaks they are talking to the other, so it’s not really essential to qualify to whom we’re speaking. So, when he does use my first name I can pretty much narrow it down to a.) He wants to buy some kind of tech-y gadget, b.) He has set our garage on fire, or c.) Someone has stopped by to visit, and there is a third party amidst our conversation.

Being that it was Sunday, I was bra-less and unshowered. No new video games had been released recently and I couldn’t smell smoke, so I quickly narrowed the occasion down to option three. I grabbed a jacket to put on so I’d be ‘decent’ for whichever family member or neighbor was in my driveway. I even contemplated running into the bathroom to do my hair.

“Are you afraid of snakes?”

I’m fairly certain that Tristan already knew the answer to his question. But if he truly had no idea, he learned the hard way when he was promptly locked out of the house for 20 minutes. I didn’t even scream that much or that loudly when I was in labor.

CLEARLY, this was not the type of visitor I had expected.

Apparently, a  garden snake had taken residence under a picnic table next to our condo. When Tristan moved the table, the little guy tried to move into our garage instead and Tristan had to chase him down. NO VACANCY, buddy!

After the snake was dropped into the woods approximately “as-far-fucking-away-from-here” as Tristan could drop it, I took my coat off to resume my Sunday cleaning. When Tristan was allowed back in the house, he reminded me, “You know, some day Charlie isn’t going to be as nice. He’s not going to ask first – he’s just going to come running in saying ‘Mama, mama look what I found!’ and then what will you do?”

Dear god please send me a little girl some day.

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