Assholes Do NOT Belong in Movie Theaters!!!

It looks like the war against parents wages on in the blogosphere, with this eloquent new post by “Gwydhar” called Babies Do NOT Belong In Movie Theaters!!! Note the capital “not” and trifecta of exclamation points. She

Gryffindor complains about her attempt to catch a matinee of an animated movie, Monsters University, with her husband who is “not fond” of animated movies. Just to recap: She went to an animated film. In the afternoon. During the summer. With someone who couldn’t give a shit about animated films.

Hmm. Let’s let that sink in for a minute…

Gargamel continues to explain how a baby ruined her movie experience, with full on “ear-splitting” screams and obnoxious “chair-kicking.” (To which I must point out a plot hole and say, holy shit that is one advanced baby to be able to kick your chair! I mean, do I even need to point out that the majority of your discontent is with the toddlers not the babies? But you just keep on with your baby-hating, bad self.) I kept waiting for the punch line on this blog, considering the movie in question was Monsters University and it was an afternoon showing to boot. But then, Garfield goes on and on about how babies also shouldn’t be allowed on airplanes and if they are, the TSA should allow her to bring her knitting needle so she can stab it in the eye if it cries. Wait, whut?! This bitch is serious. And cray.

Seriously though, I TOTALLY get where she is coming from. If I pay $8.50 for a movie, even as a parent myself, I don’t want some asshole kid screaming their face off the whole time. But this rule applies tenfold for a matinee showing of a kids movie. I mean, that’s like when I try to go to the park playground and all of those lice-infested poop machines hog all of the swings, and I’m all, “Listen kid, I pay taxes in this town, do you? Instead of sitting your tiny ass on that piece of rubber going back and forth all day, why don’t you go get a job and pitch in for some upkeep on this piece of crap playground that’s rusting all to hell? Now give me a turn and go play in traffic.”

No, for reals though, I do get it. Kids are annoying as hell when they lose it in public. My formerly childless self probably would have read this post and been in complete agreement with the broad. However, now that I am a parent, I can tell you that 97% of the time in these scenarios no one is more frustrated and annoyed (not to mention embarrassed) than the mother herself, who is just trying her best to diffuse the situation. Would the appropriate action for this mother have been to get up and haul her kid(s) out of the theater? Absolutely. But she probably spent 3 weeks of planning and 8 hours of execution to get her crew to that theater, only to discover her 5 month old would have gas. And after all that, she probably thought to her exhausted, over-worked, at-the-end-of-her-rope self, “Fuck anyone else who is in this theater at noon on a Tuesday to see a kids movie, it’s their own fucking fault.

Not that this scenario would make it right; but maybe considering the circumstances (afternoon kids movie, crying/annoying child) Gandalf should have cut the mom some slack and realized that she herself probably made a poor choice in movies and/or show times. But instead, she jumps on her pedestal to say, “Damn you, parents, and how you ALL think this world revolves solely around YOU and your KID! Don’t you know it revolves around ME and my unwavering desire to see how Mike and Sulley got to be BFF!!!”

Something tells me that even had the woman left with her brood it wouldn’t have pacified this woman, who apparently has no qualms about throwing a screaming child out of a traveling 757. From the sounds of her child-hating tone, an infant could have so much as farted and it would have ruined her day. (Again, not night – day. As in daytime showing.)

News flash, lady: our kids are unpredictable – babies and toddlers. My kid lost his shit yesterday because he wanted a banana, but I peeled it and broke it in half. God forbid I peel it and then break it in half! Contrary to your blog-ular belief, we don’t bring our kids out into public so we can intentionally piss off everyone around us, get dirty looks and be told we shouldn’t have kids if we don’t know how to control them. Right, because it is so RATIONAL to flip out over a peeled banana and I should KNOW that this one thing would send my child over the edge, therefore I should just keep him home in his cage where he belongs.

Gollum goes on even further, explaining that if your child can’t eat popcorn or say “monster” they don’t belong in a movie theater. So, one woman who made one poor parenting choice means that all of us should be penalized? Yes, because that’s how everything in life should work… Blanket policies that apply to groups of people based on errant characteristics regardless of wrong-doing are always the way to go.

And if we have a child under the age of 3, we should just stay home or pay for childcare every time we want to leave? Totally fair, since we clearly don’t pay enough for childcare when we go out for non-leisure activities, like work. Plus, making the kids stay home is definitely the best way to integrate them into society and teach them how to behave in a public setting. Obvie.

Andplusalso, this peach should hands down be the new authority on what is appropriate not only in terms of parenting, but also which movies my child should and should not be able to see? Right, because she clearly has an awesome moral compass.

No, this all seems completely fair and logical. Let’s ban children from every place that an easily agitated asshole might be so that we don’t piss them off. Theaters; restaurants; grocery stores; airports; hell, even Chuck E. Cheese an Disney World! Down with crotch fruit!

I’ve had plenty of annoying movie experiences not precipitated by a child. Like the last time my husband and I went to see Alice in Wonderland at the very tail end of its run in theaters. We were the only 2 people in the audience, until a group of 3 women came in and sat down at the last minute. Right in front of us. In an otherwise empty theater. Then when we got up to move, I got a snarky “Oh, am I blocking your view?” To which I replied, “No, these seats recline and I’m pregnant and like leg room. And this entire theater is EMPTY.” Or the time I went to see War of the Worlds with my sister and the man next to us chewed his popcorn so loud that not only did we start searching for his udders, but we were certain movie-goers could hear him in the adjacent theater. Or years ago, when I went to see The X-Files Movie on a date and a row of teenagers insisted on pegging us in the head with Mike and Ike’s the whole time. Fucking teenagers.

It would be fabulous if we could ban all assholes from the movies, or better yet the world in general. But unfortunately when you leave the confines of your home, you have to deal with the real world and the portion of its populous that sucks the big one. You can tolerate it, speak up or stay home. It’s not that hard.

I know I’m not a perfect human being. And sure, things irritate me all the time (like assholes stealing my seat or old people paying their bills in change.) But I don’t lump people together under one discriminatory umbrella that deems them all unfit to function in normal society because my needs supersede theirs in every facet. And I am raising my children not only to have manners, but also a little compassion, and maybe even a little tolerance.

Geppetto said she “can’t decide [if she] should worry for the future of the human race” based on this experience. Look lady, do I need to point out (again) that all if this went down at a showing of a kids movie? In the afternoon? During the summer? I think that means your claim of being a “friggen genius” is obviously an overshoot. And I for one will be much less worried about the future of the human race too, if I could get a confirmation on the fact that you’re not planning to procreate. Because if you are, I fear for the children you would produce.

Maybe next time you can just meet us half way – we’ll try to reign in our kids if you can go to the movies after their 6:30 bedtime. And we won’t go to your adult movies or sophisticated restaurants if you don’t shank our kids on the airplane. Because, sure, we may screw up every once in a while out in public or have to let our kid gnaw on our iPhones so we can make it through the grocery check out line. But we are people, and we have rights. And you may not like that our children exist in your world, but some day our “fat, screaming milk holes” will be running your government, your hospitals, and wiping your ass while you wither away in the nursing home. So you might want to try to have a little more respect and tolerance for us parents, who are trying to do the best we can to manage the needs of our kids AND be considerate of the general public around us. The world doesn’t revolve around us, but it sure as hell doesn’t revolve around you either.

3 thoughts on “Assholes Do NOT Belong in Movie Theaters!!!

  1. Bravo! I was really disturbed by her blog post!! You wrote such a great response! I hope she reads it- not that I think she would grow as a person or suddenly develop compassion!

  2. Pingback: If you don't have anything nice to say...just comment it on blog. « Turn This Car Around

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